Typophobic Insanity

New Year...

2008-12-30T16:54:00.000-08:00

The year's ending, and it hurts, yet heals.

Forget the pain,
Remember the dream
of that wondrous future...
But it might all end, it seems...

Oh well. I've lost friends, I've gotten new ones. Next year, the same exact thing might happen. I might as well type about what I'm hoping for in the next year, as well as resolutions. This may be unfinished or not. Most likely the first rather than the latter, though.

I hope that I don't lose my closest ones. Not to make favoritism, but I really hope that I don't lose my fiancee. Sure, I've gotten pretty mad at him in the last entry, but I still love him with all my heart. We're connected in ways others cannot.

Then there comes Nicole, my best friend. I don't wanna lose her, since she's an awesome buddy to me. She's my sister, for all I care. I love her so much because she's always there for me, and she's always helping out. She's always there to put a smile with my other bestie, Sallyanna.

I hope to remain close to my beloved cousins. Family's becoming much more important to me than it has been long ago. When Ate Kathlyn left, the family slowly diminished, which was obvious. We don't go out like the family we used to be. I miss it all, and we seem so distant nowadays.

I want to forget the horrid, yet memorable things that I did. There's a lot of shit that I got myself into through my middle school years, as well as the very beginning of my freshman year. I'd rather not say at all, of course, because of the fact that someday, this [somewhat] private journal will someday be revealed. I could list all the things I've done on a bazillion pages, and I want to repent for my sins.

I strive towards being a strong member in the church that I go to. Of course, it's important to me. I love to sing, so I'm a member of the children's choir, and I'm getting into adult choir as well. I also want to be viewed as a good leader, but I'm sticking to something small, like my age group's secretary. Maybe it'll be a good start, yet I still find myself as a follower...

--List of Hopes and Future Achievements--

--Grow a few inches taller. At least ONE! Dayummm. I need to get taller, but people are getting shorter, too. It's making me wanna cry when I see that my two younger cousins are taller than me...

--Get more short skirts. Well, I don't wear just the skirt as the bottom. I wear jeans underneath! :D PERVERTS! x]

--Work on a recording or lyrics for me and Beryll's songs. I've needed to make progress on them for so long already, and he's still making tunes for me to actually make lyrics for. It's so hard since I'm always doing something whether it's being somewhere else, on the computer, or whatever. Sometimes, truth be told, I can't even think of making lyrics 'til like, months later...

--Take summer school when my freshman year ends. Pshh. I might getsome "free classes" for school, as rumored. It'll probably help with BOCES, which Ate Kat took when she was still in high school. I'll also be taking some pre-nursing program in the future, as well. My mom apparently signed me up for it out of nowhere last year...

--Exercise more. Lawl. Hah. How true this is. I'm not really fat, actually. I'm just weak. Hehe! Plus, I was thinking that I'd probably join girl's volleyball next year, since I missed it this year. But what bothers me is whether I'll make it or not. I'm pretty unsure of the possibilities because it might all get into the way of my church duties.

--Do some actual practice in band with the clarinet. I'm probably the most suckish first clarinet in the freshman band. I need to really work. I can't keep my mind on just depending on memorization! How frivolous that should be...

--Stay on-time with assignments. Maybe I'll really limit myself with the computer. I keep procrastinating, but luckily the procrastination isn't like how I was before. Stick to the assignments, damn it! >O

--Stay positive! Don't let anyone get you down! Well, OBVIOUSLY. It's pretty optimistic here, but I know my past experiences with my temper. Don't start any fights, don't start arguments with worthless people, et cetera...

--Hang with the Laureta cousins [including me] whenever possible! Greet them in the halls of school, as well as planning outings with them. I have to remember that I'm the hyperactive Ate Dianne now! <3

--Set better goals. Eh. Definitely. I need to think of what I want to do when I become an adult. There's been barely any progress, 'cause I barely know anything about colleges, and I can't even decide on what to do in the future. Get things straight, damn it!

----------

Well, I just hope I'll be ready for this. I'm really excited, yet I want to cry. There's truly too much that's changing, and it makes me realize how much I never want to grow up. I hate being dependent and young, but I hate being independent and old much more, since I realize what's happening now.

Maybe 2009 will be better than 2008? Probably not. I miss the old years with my family all bunched up together here in New York. It was fun to see all of my cousins every day just because they lived from just a few blocks away to just a floor right under me in the same house! But now we're so distant...

I want to make this year a better year, really. I can't think of anything that'll be better to come our way, but something bound to happen, right..?

We'll just have to see...

~Xan

Concert FAILURE.

2008-12-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

Fuck, I'm pissed already. I'm not going to that concert, nor will I do this fucking term paper.

Obviously, I'm pissed as who-knows-when, so I'm crying my heart out at the moment in depression, agony, and whatever other crap falls under those categories.

Sure, I may be over-reacting, but I could give a shit less.

Nobody reads this blog of mine, anyway.

NOBODY!

I hate this life, I hate promises, 'cause what's been drilling into my head now is the BARE FACT that they're meant to be broken! I'm pissed at the fact that Beryll can't go to the concert. I'd rather fail in both Geometry HONORS and Band, 'cause I might as well be brought down to fucking regular classes! I'm gonna quit band, too; no matter how much I love to play the clarinet!

I'm pissed. I only got back into band 'cause not only do I love playing the clarinet, but I wanted to have at least one moment where Beryll would visit just to watch me perform! What huge failures I faced last year, and I'm practically facing them again!

AGAIN!!!

He said in the spring that he'd try to go, but would go to my graduation if he couldn't. EVEN HIS PARENTS SAID THAT. At least from what he said.

But he couldn't. He's always so fucking busy!

I HATE THAT.

Well, then comes the damn winter concert for ninth grade. Which is tonight. Whoopee-do! He ends up being unable to come again since he made an agreement with his parents that he'd be able to visit if he kept perfect attendance for the week prior to his visit. Apparently for this week, it applied to the concert as well.

What fucking luck. He ended up skipping two classes. He even said it to my parents in front of my face. Ohh! HOW PISSED I WAS!

Great. Now tonight's the concert, and I'm fucking pissed, fucking depressed, and feeling so intense. My hands are shaking, and I want to throw something so hard, and break stuff. My short temper issue is returning, but I could give a shit less.

I mean this in the most honest way possible.

Life's being such a bitch to me. I thought that he'd be able to go, and that I'd be proud of his attitude with the attendance and whatnot.

I was hoping that at least his parents would let us off one more time and let him go to that fucking concert. BEEEEEP! How mother-fucking wrong I was!

Apparently, that night out with his family was only to make up for the concert.

PSHHHH!! YEAH RIGHT!!!

FAILURE TO DO SO!

THAT SHOULD'VE MADE UP ONLY HALF OF THE NIGHT!

FUCK THAT.

Oh well. I wonder what'll happen when he gets home and calls me.

I'm definitely not going to the concert.

I'm definitely not gonna be in band anymore.

And I'm definitely gonna fail both Geometry HONORS and Concert Band.

WHOO!

HOW FUCKING PISSED I FEEL TONIGHT!

GREAAAAT!

So much for promises. They're fucking meant to be broken. This I know through so many situations of my own. UGH!

Oh well. I wonder what'll happen when I have my graduation, of what would've happened if I would stay in band!

Oh, I know.

I'll ask if he could come to the concert next time.

He'll say yes.

On that day, he ends up not going for some fucked up reason. AGAIN.

Then graduation, too.

He'll be in college by then, but he'll be busy with whatever shit he has to do on that day, too.

And college graduation?

Same thing!

READING THE FUTURE IS SUCH FUCKING FUN, ISN'T IT?!

HAHAH!

FUCK YOU, LIFE! I HATE HOW YOU SCREW UP IN SOME OF THE MOST VALUED MOMENTS OF MINE!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!

-Xanners

Rawr.

2008-12-21T13:42:00.001-08:00

Eh. It's been a while, ne?

Well, to update on my personal journal, I've been utterly depressed. Though I've gotten myself out of the drama of Fall 2008, it's kind of depressing about what the end of it brought, along with Winter 2008-09.

My fiancé's been pretty much depressed about a lot, but I'm handling that, at least. Another thing about him is what the consequences of his actions had caused.

Back then, he skipped school a lot because of the drama in September. It still haunts us both, I believe. He'd told me that he hadn't been skipping, but he actually did this week. He skipped two classes. Apparently, his parents promised that if he would not skip any classes for one week, he'll be allowed to come over to visit me on that said week. They actually made that agreement last week with him, and they told my parents about it a few days back. How depressing is that?

What hurts the most about this is that he was supposed to come to one of my school concerts. What else hurts about that? I hoped so much that he'd be able to go to it. That's the third event that falls under "Hopes to go to a School Event", as well as "Failed Hopes to go to a School Event". Yes, there were three...

One was a spring concert for eighth grade. I was praying that he'd make it on that day, but he couldn't. Then there was graduation from middle school. What failure to attend that, as well. He had choir practice that night, since it was a Friday. To get my mind off of it so I wouldn't cry my heart out, I ended up not attending the graduation ceremony at all, and I went to church for Children's Choir practice, since we had practice that night, too. What a great coincidence for me...

Well, tomorrow's the concert, and I still need to practice. I also have a damned term paper to do for arithmetic [mathematics, for those who don't understand what the hell "arithmetic" means]. I forgot how long it's supposed to be. I think about 2 pages? But I'm wondering why I keep getting "6 pages" chiming in my head. *sigh*

God, I need to practice on my clarinet tonight, and this paper needs to get done so I can keep my concentration on the concert tomorrow night. Then there's a project for English that I have to hand in after the ~~Christmas~~ WINTER BREAK. On the 2nd, I believe. Oh, how crappy this is.

I even need to be a good example of an awesome first [or second // third] clarinet, since Derron, my competition for first clarinet, isn't really showing himself as such a mature person. I may not be so mature either, but I can act like an honors student who plays first clarinet better than he could. But it's not sad that I'll be second or third clarinet, since I'm a freshman and I'll be playing with the Jazz Band. Heh.

As for that term paper, I'll be doing the fourth dimension. Yep, what a difficult one! I'm wondering why the hell I chose it! I think it's 'cause my fiancé [or someone else] mentioned it to me at one point, and I thought it was interesting. Anyone willing to help me out here..?

The English paper... I could work on it later. Pshh!

Well, all of this is piling up on my shoulders quite high. The stress and sadness that is caused from the knowledge that my fiancé won't attend the concert just makes me collapse. I might just go cry in my room from these thoughts. Hah...

I'm such a crybaby, aren't I? I know I am.

I definitely am...

Oh, and happy holidays to whomever would see this at all...

--Xan

Depression.

2008-11-27T10:58:00.000-08:00

Depression. It's been filling me to the brim once more as I watch my life fall into pieces. I still lie in hopes that I can make it through this damnation called life, but those hopes are slowly disintegrating as I go on throughout experiences in this torture chamber.

I'm still wondering greatly about how my life will end. There's too much for my heart to handle even now while I go through these harsh times. Love has been painful, and it still is, although I've gotten a few problems for this school year solved.

I'm still in great hopes that this life turns around for the better, because it's turned for the worst all too many times. I almost always wish that I had forgotten almost every single event in my life, but then I still write in a journal, a green composition notebook to be exact, in hopes of being able to remember as much as I can throughout this troubled life of mine.

Sure, everyone has problems in their lives as well. I cannot lie about the fact that there are many people who have it worse than me. But I feel that my heart is weighed so much to the invisible bottom of this ever-deep chasm through experiences through relationships [whether it be family, love, friendships, and even acquaintances] and many different events in my life.

Many events still haunt me even today. I greatly feel that many things in this life of mine are really putting me down. But still, I live. Still, I stand. Still, I remain within this hell.

I've wondered a lot about what would happen if I hadn't existed. I have been for years already. I'm surprised that it was only in sixth grade when I had made my life fall into its demise. I really don't think that this is all worth the work anymore...

I hate the fact that I've hurt so many people. Love is an emotion that had led to most of the pain I've caused. It usually only seemed like love when I used to crush on guys. I was one who was crazy with it, crushing on every cute, sweet guy that I saw. Nowadays, I barely crush at all, but many things had still happened.

I had never believed that someone would crush on me, or love me, because of my experiences of crushing in the past. People had always come and gone, and I'd thought about giving up on love many times. Now that I bring this up, it reminds me of a friend of mine; one that I had crushed on before.

He had begun to think of giving up on love for reasons that I'd rather not mention. My experiences with love had ended up being fake. The only relationships I've been in were only online, which hurt enough to be distant. Sadly, I know that the two relationships were false; one guy being a pervert while the other turned out being a girl. Go figure.

I'm still in the game of love, of course with my fiancé. I love him so much, but I feel a 50-50 chance of being able to handle it. We've both gone through a lot, him more than I have. He'd been in online relationships and relationships of reality, which is painful to me at times. He 'd actually had many girls chasing after him before and after we got together. Nowadays, they leave him alone since he had worn a mask throughout those times.

What I hadn't believed in the past had actually come true recently, which is painful to know. Apparently, there had been people who had liked me and crushed on me. I feel that I had probably just toyed with them, and it hurts to know that since it feels like the truth. I still wonder now: What is all of this..?!

Maybe, just maybe... This could be the beginning of a will for my death. Maybe this could show what my life had taught me. Maybe this electronic journal of mine on the internet can really change me...

I can only hope for the best now. Maybe things will change for once...

Friendships...

2008-10-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate when you feel like you've really lost one of your closest friends ever?

Well, I definitely do. I hate forgetting people, because it reminds me of how much I hate my short-term memory. It annoys me when I don't remember something that I should, and struggling with such things really tired me out and makes me pretty down.

People come and go, that's for sure. There are some that I hope didn't go, and that counts many people that have changed throughout life. There are a few of my friends whom I wish hadn't changed, especially because I don't think that I can really make a difference in their lives. There are times whereas I hope that someday, just someday, they would return to their original personalities, looks, etc.

It really depends, though. It's what's in the heart that matters, right?

Well, I'm not sure what to say about that, exactly. Sometimes I wish that a person would stay just the same as they have been through the time that I've known him/her.

I wish a lot that people would never have left, physically, even. There are people I want to thank for making me who I am, maybe who I've been. There are lots of things I'd want to say, whether it be about my life, and everything, and even nothing.

There are people that I probably see almost every day, but maybe never talk to anymore. I know that there's a certain person that I remember seeing a lot that I've totally lost my friendship with, and we just pass by each other in the halls, never saying a word like we used to in say... third grade?

I wish that I could just have the guts to talk to her, maybe try to build that friendship from long ago. But I'm just too scared at some times, while I remember certain grudges I have towards her at other times. Maybe she's wondering if we should be friends again, too. But if that'll ever be the case, I hope that she realizes that I hate what she's become.

I have actually begun to make a list of people who I don't want to forget, and I'm hoping to actually have them sign next to their names. I even put my parents in there. There IS such thing as amnesia, but that's not really the point. I feel that if I ever lose them and at least have their signature, I'll remember them.

I'm sure that some of the names on the list will include people that I like, people I love, even people I hate. I want to remember who made me who I am today, and I really hope that they won't forget me. I believe that if they sign my book, they'll remember me. I heard that writing can actually help someone remember something more, and maybe doing this will help me stick out in their mind whenever I see them.

[Expecting a continuation of this entry later.]

-Xan

Rant #1: Life itself.

2008-10-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

Hm... What could I say about life?

Well, it's a lot of things.

Life is hell. There have been too many times where bad things have happened, ranging from spilling milk to death and further. I've experienced too much for a common teenage girl to know, apparently. But that's just the world today.

I've hurt my family, friends, even people I don't know crap about. I'm not so fond of life itself because of one vital part of human life: emotions.

My poetry has been expressing myself for years, and I'm saddened by the fact that I haven't kept such a range of my poetry. There's still a bit that I probably left on Quizilla a few years back. That was probably three years ago, but I apparently abandoned Quizilla for Xanga, then MySpace, then this. It's all hard to believe all this.

That's another thing I dislike, as well. Change. I, myself, have not changed so much from that young and suicidal little girl. I was in a state of extreme depression since fourth grade with certain beliefs, while I became suicidal during my 6th grader years. It's hard to believe from someone who's as hyper as hell in school. That's only because I have hidden such depressing emotions ever since certain events had come into my life.

Someday, I hope to lose this feeling of depression in its entirety, so that I can be able to be as good of a person as I have dreamed. I've learned that losing my depression can help me become what I've always wanted to be, but I don't plan on losing my depression any time soon.

It's awkward, how I planned to talk about life in this blog entry. I just ended up talking about emotions and my past. I wish not to get into it, but I'd rather do it. I love to open myself up to the world.

I have a notebook that I write in strictly during school times, since I find the pointless. Especially in my regents classes.

I wrote a bit of poetry in the center of it, which is easy to find since it's a composition notebook. It's pretty cool, since I have different uses for the book. I even have a code in it, and I practice it a bit in there. Recently, though, I got this spiral notebook where I put only poetry in it. I have a profile of my "inner" self in the code that I made, which is kind of wierd.

The center of this notebook represents my heart.
This poetry remains as signs of inspiration.
My soul is filled with wishes tearing me apart.
But as least I can be a view of my own generation...

I want to be someone important to the world. I want to someday make a change in the world. I haven't yet, though, and there's a small chance that I will. My imagination extends to different dimensions, which is really crazy to most. I want people to know my story, and the closest way to reach such imagination is through my writings, which isn't even half of what should explain my thoughts towards this world, as well as others.

I'll probably put poetry up here. Maybe. Just maybe...

One notable piece of poetry turned out to be somewhat alright. I'm probably thinking of continuing to edit it.

Interaction sets aside the once-lonely girl.
Adoration brings about the lust towards this world.
Condition sinks in deep as the other can apply.
Attraction starts yet ends with words "For you, I would die."
Rejection kills the depth of how the lover heals, [yet]
Acception smites the doubt away, but throws away what's real.
Separation builds up all of the hatred deep inside.
Irritation begins to build up this deep depression that I hide.
Eruptions of my tattered heart reveals my rotten soul.
Realization tells me and makes me know that it's you that makes me whole...

It didn't come out so well. I struggled for days on this, and yet I'm not satisfied with this piece.

But either way, words cannot express what I feel...

Hell is simply home without a heart.
Love is such a feeling that only tears our lives apart.
Trust is what's lost after years of little lies.
My heart is all that has me followed to my demise.

Well, either way, my poetry can still express me. It can depress a person pretty well with how my poetry can hit them. It strikes the heart when put into deep thought, and some can view certain pieces quite differently from others.

Even now, I still wonder of what people would think of me if I were gone. To me, it's a childish thought, but it's still scarring me deep in my heart of how confused I am with my thoughts towards this life of mine. My emotions had run wild every now and then, and I can only agree at this very moment that being alone would probably heal this heart of mine...

Well, since that's what's on my mind, I'll be back soon. Ja ne~!

-Xan

Har har har!

2008-09-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how to get through this site, because everything's so new to me. How the hell do I advertise this?

Oh well... I guess I'll use this as a journal. I don't really care right now.

I still don't have the hang of any of this. It's gonna get me killed. ._____.;;;

Haha.

Well, today's been an "alright" day as always. I've got the hang of my classes, and I've got over 600 paper stars. I've been pointed out a few times to stop making them during class, which annoys me since the lessons are so boring. My science teacher is someone to noticeably recognize about this.

Eh. I can get what she means though. I'm so annoying! Haha.

Some librarian also told me to put my paper stars away. Yep.

I'm not afraid of libraries. It's just that I hate them to the point of blowing them all up.

... Well, I'm like that with school.

I'm hoping that I get back to writing, but I'm getting into layout designs. I miss having poetry and stories, but layouts are getting to me pretty easily. I'll probably just stick to Xanga, since I'm not used to MySpace or Blogger at all.

-Xan

Wah.

2008-09-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I don't like BlogSpot already, 'cause I'm not used to it. Oh well. WHOO HOO!

I'll probably work on making layouts here, too. I remember there was some code-editing somewhere in here...

Oh where, oh where is the code-editing thing? Oh where, oh where could it be?

Well, I'm wondering how to work around this. We'll see what happens! x3

-Xanny