The year's ending, and it hurts, yet heals.

Forget the pain,
Remember the dream
of that wondrous future...
But it might all end, it seems...

Oh well. I've lost friends, I've gotten new ones. Next year, the same exact thing might happen. I might as well type about what I'm hoping for in the next year, as well as resolutions. This may be unfinished or not. Most likely the first rather than the latter, though.

I hope that I don't lose my closest ones. Not to make favoritism, but I really hope that I don't lose my fiancee. Sure, I've gotten pretty mad at him in the last entry, but I still love him with all my heart. We're connected in ways others cannot.

Then there comes Nicole, my best friend. I don't wanna lose her, since she's an awesome buddy to me. She's my sister, for all I care. I love her so much because she's always there for me, and she's always helping out. She's always there to put a smile with my other bestie, Sallyanna.

I hope to remain close to my beloved cousins. Family's becoming much more important to me than it has been long ago. When Ate Kathlyn left, the family slowly diminished, which was obvious. We don't go out like the family we used to be. I miss it all, and we seem so distant nowadays.

I want to forget the horrid, yet memorable things that I did. There's a lot of shit that I got myself into through my middle school years, as well as the very beginning of my freshman year. I'd rather not say at all, of course, because of the fact that someday, this [somewhat] private journal will someday be revealed. I could list all the things I've done on a bazillion pages, and I want to repent for my sins.

I strive towards being a strong member in the church that I go to. Of course, it's important to me. I love to sing, so I'm a member of the children's choir, and I'm getting into adult choir as well. I also want to be viewed as a good leader, but I'm sticking to something small, like my age group's secretary. Maybe it'll be a good start, yet I still find myself as a follower...


--List of Hopes and Future Achievements--

--Grow a few inches taller. At least ONE! Dayummm. I need to get taller, but people are getting shorter, too. It's making me wanna cry when I see that my two younger cousins are taller than me...

--Get more short skirts. Well, I don't wear just the skirt as the bottom. I wear jeans underneath! :D PERVERTS! x]

--Work on a recording or lyrics for me and Beryll's songs. I've needed to make progress on them for so long already, and he's still making tunes for me to actually make lyrics for. It's so hard since I'm always doing something whether it's being somewhere else, on the computer, or whatever. Sometimes, truth be told, I can't even think of making lyrics 'til like, months later...

--Take summer school when my freshman year ends. Pshh. I might getsome "free classes" for school, as rumored. It'll probably help with BOCES, which Ate Kat took when she was still in high school. I'll also be taking some pre-nursing program in the future, as well. My mom apparently signed me up for it out of nowhere last year...

--Exercise more. Lawl. Hah. How true this is. I'm not really fat, actually. I'm just weak. Hehe! Plus, I was thinking that I'd probably join girl's volleyball next year, since I missed it this year. But what bothers me is whether I'll make it or not. I'm pretty unsure of the possibilities because it might all get into the way of my church duties.

--Do some actual practice in band with the clarinet. I'm probably the most suckish first clarinet in the freshman band. I need to really work. I can't keep my mind on just depending on memorization! How frivolous that should be...

--Stay on-time with assignments. Maybe I'll really limit myself with the computer. I keep procrastinating, but luckily the procrastination isn't like how I was before. Stick to the assignments, damn it! >O

--Stay positive! Don't let anyone get you down! Well, OBVIOUSLY. It's pretty optimistic here, but I know my past experiences with my temper. Don't start any fights, don't start arguments with worthless people, et cetera...

--Hang with the Laureta cousins [including me] whenever possible! Greet them in the halls of school, as well as planning outings with them. I have to remember that I'm the hyperactive Ate Dianne now! <3

--Set better goals. Eh. Definitely. I need to think of what I want to do when I become an adult. There's been barely any progress, 'cause I barely know anything about colleges, and I can't even decide on what to do in the future. Get things straight, damn it!

----------

Well, I just hope I'll be ready for this. I'm really excited, yet I want to cry. There's truly too much that's changing, and it makes me realize how much I never want to grow up. I hate being dependent and young, but I hate being independent and old much more, since I realize what's happening now.

Maybe 2009 will be better than 2008? Probably not. I miss the old years with my family all bunched up together here in New York. It was fun to see all of my cousins every day just because they lived from just a few blocks away to just a floor right under me in the same house! But now we're so distant...

I want to make this year a better year, really. I can't think of anything that'll be better to come our way, but something bound to happen, right..?

We'll just have to see...

~Xan

Fuck, I'm pissed already. I'm not going to that concert, nor will I do this fucking term paper.

Obviously, I'm pissed as who-knows-when, so I'm crying my heart out at the moment in depression, agony, and whatever other crap falls under those categories.

Sure, I may be over-reacting, but I could give a shit less.

Nobody reads this blog of mine, anyway.

NOBODY!

I hate this life, I hate promises, 'cause what's been drilling into my head now is the BARE FACT that they're meant to be broken! I'm pissed at the fact that Beryll can't go to the concert. I'd rather fail in both Geometry HONORS and Band, 'cause I might as well be brought down to fucking regular classes! I'm gonna quit band, too; no matter how much I love to play the clarinet!

I'm pissed. I only got back into band 'cause not only do I love playing the clarinet, but I wanted to have at least one moment where Beryll would visit just to watch me perform! What huge failures I faced last year, and I'm practically facing them again!

AGAIN!!!

He said in the spring that he'd try to go, but would go to my graduation if he couldn't. EVEN HIS PARENTS SAID THAT. At least from what he said.

But he couldn't. He's always so fucking busy!

I HATE THAT.

Well, then comes the damn winter concert for ninth grade. Which is tonight. Whoopee-do! He ends up being unable to come again since he made an agreement with his parents that he'd be able to visit if he kept perfect attendance for the week prior to his visit. Apparently for this week, it applied to the concert as well.

What fucking luck. He ended up skipping two classes. He even said it to my parents in front of my face. Ohh! HOW PISSED I WAS!

Great. Now tonight's the concert, and I'm fucking pissed, fucking depressed, and feeling so intense. My hands are shaking, and I want to throw something so hard, and break stuff. My short temper issue is returning, but I could give a shit less.

I mean this in the most honest way possible.

Life's being such a bitch to me. I thought that he'd be able to go, and that I'd be proud of his attitude with the attendance and whatnot.

I was hoping that at least his parents would let us off one more time and let him go to that fucking concert. BEEEEEP! How mother-fucking wrong I was!

Apparently, that night out with his family was only to make up for the concert.

PSHHHH!! YEAH RIGHT!!!

FAILURE TO DO SO!

THAT SHOULD'VE MADE UP ONLY HALF OF THE NIGHT!

FUCK THAT.

Oh well. I wonder what'll happen when he gets home and calls me.

I'm definitely not going to the concert.

I'm definitely not gonna be in band anymore.

And I'm definitely gonna fail both Geometry HONORS and Concert Band.

WHOO!

HOW FUCKING PISSED I FEEL TONIGHT!

GREAAAAT!

So much for promises. They're fucking meant to be broken. This I know through so many situations of my own. UGH!

Oh well. I wonder what'll happen when I have my graduation, of what would've happened if I would stay in band!

Oh, I know.

I'll ask if he could come to the concert next time.

He'll say yes.

On that day, he ends up not going for some fucked up reason. AGAIN.

Then graduation, too.

He'll be in college by then, but he'll be busy with whatever shit he has to do on that day, too.

And college graduation?

Same thing!

READING THE FUTURE IS SUCH FUCKING FUN, ISN'T IT?!

HAHAH!

FUCK YOU, LIFE! I HATE HOW YOU SCREW UP IN SOME OF THE MOST VALUED MOMENTS OF MINE!

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!

-Xanners

Eh. It's been a while, ne?

Well, to update on my personal journal, I've been utterly depressed. Though I've gotten myself out of the drama of Fall 2008, it's kind of depressing about what the end of it brought, along with Winter 2008-09.

My fiancé's been pretty much depressed about a lot, but I'm handling that, at least. Another thing about him is what the consequences of his actions had caused.

Back then, he skipped school a lot because of the drama in September. It still haunts us both, I believe. He'd told me that he hadn't been skipping, but he actually did this week. He skipped two classes. Apparently, his parents promised that if he would not skip any classes for one week, he'll be allowed to come over to visit me on that said week. They actually made that agreement last week with him, and they told my parents about it a few days back. How depressing is that?

What hurts the most about this is that he was supposed to come to one of my school concerts. What else hurts about that? I hoped so much that he'd be able to go to it. That's the third event that falls under "Hopes to go to a School Event", as well as "Failed Hopes to go to a School Event". Yes, there were three...

One was a spring concert for eighth grade. I was praying that he'd make it on that day, but he couldn't. Then there was graduation from middle school. What failure to attend that, as well. He had choir practice that night, since it was a Friday. To get my mind off of it so I wouldn't cry my heart out, I ended up not attending the graduation ceremony at all, and I went to church for Children's Choir practice, since we had practice that night, too. What a great coincidence for me...

Well, tomorrow's the concert, and I still need to practice. I also have a damned term paper to do for arithmetic [mathematics, for those who don't understand what the hell "arithmetic" means]. I forgot how long it's supposed to be. I think about 2 pages? But I'm wondering why I keep getting "6 pages" chiming in my head. *sigh*

God, I need to practice on my clarinet tonight, and this paper needs to get done so I can keep my concentration on the concert tomorrow night. Then there's a project for English that I have to hand in after the Christmas WINTER BREAK. On the 2nd, I believe. Oh, how crappy this is.

I even need to be a good example of an awesome first [or second // third] clarinet, since Derron, my competition for first clarinet, isn't really showing himself as such a mature person. I may not be so mature either, but I can act like an honors student who plays first clarinet better than he could. But it's not sad that I'll be second or third clarinet, since I'm a freshman and I'll be playing with the Jazz Band. Heh.

As for that term paper, I'll be doing the fourth dimension. Yep, what a difficult one! I'm wondering why the hell I chose it! I think it's 'cause my fiancé [or someone else] mentioned it to me at one point, and I thought it was interesting. Anyone willing to help me out here..?

The English paper... I could work on it later. Pshh!

Well, all of this is piling up on my shoulders quite high. The stress and sadness that is caused from the knowledge that my fiancé won't attend the concert just makes me collapse. I might just go cry in my room from these thoughts. Hah...

I'm such a crybaby, aren't I? I know I am.

I definitely am...

Oh, and happy holidays to whomever would see this at all...

--Xan