Depression. It's been filling me to the brim once more as I watch my life fall into pieces. I still lie in hopes that I can make it through this damnation called life, but those hopes are slowly disintegrating as I go on throughout experiences in this torture chamber.

I'm still wondering greatly about how my life will end. There's too much for my heart to handle even now while I go through these harsh times. Love has been painful, and it still is, although I've gotten a few problems for this school year solved.

I'm still in great hopes that this life turns around for the better, because it's turned for the worst all too many times. I almost always wish that I had forgotten almost every single event in my life, but then I still write in a journal, a green composition notebook to be exact, in hopes of being able to remember as much as I can throughout this troubled life of mine.

Sure, everyone has problems in their lives as well. I cannot lie about the fact that there are many people who have it worse than me. But I feel that my heart is weighed so much to the invisible bottom of this ever-deep chasm through experiences through relationships [whether it be family, love, friendships, and even acquaintances] and many different events in my life.

Many events still haunt me even today. I greatly feel that many things in this life of mine are really putting me down. But still, I live. Still, I stand. Still, I remain within this hell.

I've wondered a lot about what would happen if I hadn't existed. I have been for years already. I'm surprised that it was only in sixth grade when I had made my life fall into its demise. I really don't think that this is all worth the work anymore...

I hate the fact that I've hurt so many people. Love is an emotion that had led to most of the pain I've caused. It usually only seemed like love when I used to crush on guys. I was one who was crazy with it, crushing on every cute, sweet guy that I saw. Nowadays, I barely crush at all, but many things had still happened.

I had never believed that someone would crush on me, or love me, because of my experiences of crushing in the past. People had always come and gone, and I'd thought about giving up on love many times. Now that I bring this up, it reminds me of a friend of mine; one that I had crushed on before.

He had begun to think of giving up on love for reasons that I'd rather not mention. My experiences with love had ended up being fake. The only relationships I've been in were only online, which hurt enough to be distant. Sadly, I know that the two relationships were false; one guy being a pervert while the other turned out being a girl. Go figure.

I'm still in the game of love, of course with my fiancé. I love him so much, but I feel a 50-50 chance of being able to handle it. We've both gone through a lot, him more than I have. He'd been in online relationships and relationships of reality, which is painful to me at times. He 'd actually had many girls chasing after him before and after we got together. Nowadays, they leave him alone since he had worn a mask throughout those times.

What I hadn't believed in the past had actually come true recently, which is painful to know. Apparently, there had been people who had liked me and crushed on me. I feel that I had probably just toyed with them, and it hurts to know that since it feels like the truth. I still wonder now: What is all of this..?!

Maybe, just maybe... This could be the beginning of a will for my death. Maybe this could show what my life had taught me. Maybe this electronic journal of mine on the internet can really change me...

I can only hope for the best now. Maybe things will change for once...